Enjoy The Show

You won't get your money back anyway.

***

Dear Carla,

Sorry I posted late. My laptop died. 

*moment of silence*

I need to save money to buy another. Not only that, I was busy studying (sorta) for our finals in school and doing obligations for work and all. Sometimes I wish I'm trending on Twitter or something: #Kyla'sLife or #BangonKyla. But then again, I don't tweet that much. I'm happy I don't look stressed-out, though. I bought this new mascara where I can fool everyone that I'm so effin' awake. Did you know I've been addicted to coffee ever since Dad forced me to drink it? He said it'll keep me upbeat and alive. However, it doesn't help by any chance. Drug failure. (Booo!) But I can't deny the fact how I love the bittersweet aroma make it's way in liquid form in my throat. I hear angels.

Well, finals is done and I managed to pass my exams. Or so I think I did. I don't care that much anymore anyway. Not like before, back in Leyte, not only I should pass the subject, I have to keep 1s. Now, 2s or 3s are fine. As long as I don't have to repeat the subject again I don't mind. *blows hair in front of face*

Last payday, I bought a book: Kokology, A Game to Self-Discovery because I'm seriously lost in life right now.

 Initially, it's suppose to help me find out what/who I am and in the process it's really funny. I'm embarrassed to know and admit I'm that kind of person. You should read it. The point is to decide whether to change your current self or just let it be. A lot of pondering to do but it will be worth it.

*cues It's Gonna Be Me by N*Sync* 

I've been working on this essay about knowing oneself for about a week now. The thought is so cliche`, I know. On top of that, it's really hard. So far, I just finished my introduction:

Who Are You?

by Kyla Estoya

1 Who People Think You Are

2) Who You Think You Are

3) Who You Really Are

***

PROLOGUE

         

            Be yourself.

            You probably heard a lot of people say it. Whether it's from a slogan on a magazine, lyrics on a pop song or simply from your favorite artist. But if you really think about it, no matter how easy it may sound, being yourself is actually hard. I don't know about you but every single person in our entire life (and by entire, I really mean entire life) is always stopping us from whoever we wanna be, however we want to do things or whatever we wanna do.

            Think about it: when was the last time you felt completely carefree? No rules and nobody to tell you what to do. Just your heart and mind working together. When was that? Yesterday? Last week? A month ago? A year, maybe? If your answer was a minute ago, congratulations. You're lucky. Some people probably never felt it. Ever. Now go back to that time. Revive the feelings you felt. I bet a dollar you're smiling right now.

So, what do you think? 

I know, I know.

*crumples paper* 

During my research, I came across a website discussing about one's authentic self. It tells about everybody having a mammoth (yes, mammoth) in everybody's mind telling them about what society demands in all of us. Technically, woolly-mammoth stops us from doing what we want so we start to do things that will somehow make us feel socially accepted or psychologically secured but in terms of self-satisfaction, we're not happy at all.

We don't actually need to eliminate ze mammoth, we just need to tame it. After all, we kind of need it to survive the planet. We just don't want it to run our entire life. 

The reason why I'm writing the essay (aside from our Literature teacher assigning it to me), is basically because I felt like criticism took over my life for the past decade. My mammoth is a monster! It's become so attached to me na. Slight chance of me being a weremammoth now.

I'm currently in the process of taming it. 

I was also inspired by my friend Mae, an ex-workmate. If you caught yourself at 3am having the need to reflect about your life, she's the right person to talk to. Just get her drunk (not too much though) and voila! you get an instant psychologist. She'll leave you thinking about what you've been doing wrong in life lately which causes the sadness and despair you feel every single day. There might even be a chance for you to go suicidal and all. Ha. Ha.

Not funny at all.

Anyway, I miss her. 

I miss grandma.

I miss mom.

It's really hard dealing with all this shiz without a mom. I felt like my life fell apart all of a sudden. It's even weirder because I feel numb and all. I don't cry thinking about mother. I just feel sad and insecure. I guess I healed so fast that sometimes it makes me... lifeless. But that's the deep side of me. Let's not talk about that. I'm out of alcohol.

I'm trying to enjoy the rest of the show. 

Who directed this anyway? 

LOVE,

PLAYLIST:

Welcome to My Truth by Anastacia

The Show by Lenka

Ask Yourself by Foster the People

Carousel by Bamboo

Prairie Girl by Rah Rah
Mad Sounds by Arctic Monkeys